I get it. I do now. For years, after hours, days, years, even decades of studying, then student loans, 100-hour workweeks, I always told myself that I do/did what I do/did because of love, passion, honor and so on. For the love of it. That was true, no doubt. But, now that I make a decent salary for the first time EVER and I have started paying my student loans, I understand what it is to consume, to want, to spend, quite frankly.
I don't know where it comes from. But, it comes. Like this vile force rising out of my bosom, this desire to spend, to consume, to purchase, to attain, it overwhelms me. I usually think of myself as progressive. I drive a respectable car (a Honda), I have energy-efficient lightbulbs. I give to the Sierra club and PBS. Blah, blah.
But, when I come home, when I sit in the quiet of my home, I waver between various emotions. Sadness at my day. Fatigue. Joy. I exercise. I eat. I read. I make love. I do the things that we all do. But, whether it's the new-found salary or my position or the impending burnout of my job, or a combination of all... I feel this urge to buy things, to drown my sorrows in possessions.
I'm trying to fight it. I know that it is pathetic. That it is transitory. But the cashmere sweater, the silk tie, the new suit... it somehow makes me feel better, makes me forget my problems, if only for a moment.
Yet it's dismal. Empty as the cliche goes. Money for money's sake. Mix boredom or depression, misery, etc. and you have the generic human experience. I fight it. I do. But, sometimes you just want a sweater that feels nice....
Thursday, January 10, 2008
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7 comments:
well i'm glad you don't have TB - the title of your post worried me.
okay, CD, with all due respect - love, honor, etc...you aren't someone who went into medicine to be some third world country peace corps whipping boy. ONE of the many allures of medicine for you was the lifestyle and status and freedom it could afford you.
for you, materialism is transitory. you have earned it. you are a good person. just enjoy it. if 5 years from now you have nothing to show for your life except silk ties and 5000 thread count comforters made from goose pubic fur or whatever, then yeah, you probably need to regroup.
never let your life become void of people that can nudge your materialistic ass back onto a meaningful path and you'll be fine.
as with everything else...when in doubt - balance. give away as much stuff as you bring in. donate your respectable car to npr who's always asking for donations - take bags of stuff to goodwill - you can make someone's day, week, year.
also, you're still living your annus mirabilis (i probably spelled that wrong) - your year of wonders. you have lived a lifetime of change in a very short time. this is all part of it - part of the transition, the adjustment. this is not the end of some road - it's still very much a beginning. enjoy your sweaters - let them be a cozy reminder of all you have accomplished and worked for. your work doesn't offer a lot of coziness some days, ya know?
xo
This too shall pass....
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you know, CD, reading your blog encourages me so much. Knowing that you are [a doctor is] going through the same struggles as the rest of the humans on this planet makes dealing with everything a bit more bearable.
It's ok to spend your money on creature comforts, if that is not the driving force of your life, and if you remember to also help those in less fortunate financial circumstances.
You're all right.
As a "freshly-minted" oncologist myself, I get this post. I am about to graduate from my own fellowship, and I found myself torn between the challenge of a career in academics and the allure of financial success in private practice. The discrepancy in pay between the 2 arenas was nearly 3-fold, enough to make anyone sit down and REALLY weigh the options. I love science, but in the end, I had bills to pay and years of denying myself any and all creature comforts in the pursuit of my ultimate career choice. My program director said I "sold out", choosing money over ambition. I was told I was answering the "sirens' calls". "You'll come back," they all say, "once you find out how immoral it is in the private sector." All I know is the same faculty who tell me these things continue to bitch that their cars are breaking down, their loans are piling up, and they can't get their grant applications to go through to support their work in the upcoming year. I'll take consumption over that mess anyday.
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